I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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