mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
