i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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