Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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