Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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