i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
