I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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