my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize