If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
