no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
