I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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