WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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