She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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