what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
