my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
