I can text with my tongue
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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