he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize