Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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