Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
