This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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