Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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