Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
