I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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