I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
