david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We are two peas in an std pod
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
