Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
