i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
