Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
