You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize