Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
