i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
