We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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