he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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