I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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