Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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