the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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