For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
