Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
