i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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