so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
