??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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