i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
