God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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