I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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