There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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