i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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