I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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