I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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