I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
