who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
