I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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