Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
