my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
