I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
